Letters to the foregin legion
Dear Johnny,
You don’t know me, but I’m a huge fan of yours. It all began when I saw you on the news, blood on your shoulder and a gun blazing in each hand. It was like out of a western. And your uniforms. They look spiffy. They made you look spiffy, especially when you shot down those evil men fighting against you. I would love it if you sent me an autograph. Please write, I’ll be waiting.
Hugs from your number one fan,
Ambrose Wilkins
Dear Johnny,
Why didn’t you write back? I don’t think I was asking for too much, just one small letter to treasure and keep close. I sent a chocolate cake. Hope this will get a reply no matter how small. I still think you’re the greatest.
Worriedly,
Ambrose Wilkins
Dear Johnny,
I hate you. I’ve sent a few letters now but you never write back, not even a post-it. This has made me worried and tense, so tense that my boyfriend left me. It is all your fault. I found out you have a girlfriend, so I went to see her. She was nice and all but if you don’t write to me now, I’ll have no other option but to kill her. To prove my point, see the enclosed box with her ear. The blood is on your hands, you better remember that.
Angrily,
Ambrose Wilkins
Dear Johnny,
Got your letter, dated over two months ago. I guess the postal service over there isn’t as good as I thought it was. Sorry about your girlfriend. I know, I’m the guilty one, but at least I admit it. I can be a bit to rash sometimes. Hope you won’t hold it against me. When I went to the priest for confession he said it was nothing just as long as I keep it as a hobby since I’m not in the union.
Hugs from your number one fan,
Ambrose Wilkins
Dear Johnny,
Why did you send the cops after me? I’ve been on the run for a week now. Friends don’t do this to one another. Don’t you like me anymore? I wish we could put this whole business about me killing your girlfriend behind us. It’s below us. We’re better than that. Please. I bet we’ll be laughing about this a few years from now. Call of the cops. As a token of my remaining faith in your greatness, I’ve enclosed a triple chocolate cake.
Hugs from your number one fan on the run,
Ambrose Wilkins
